6.16.2014

State of Affairs


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Some of my days go like this: I wake up and have time to fix my hair. I'm not thinking about the next time I'll get to sleep while walking downstairs. I accomplish things during the day. I clean up the kitchen after breakfast, start dinner before Christian gets home, and throw diapers away in the trash can. I start loads of laundry. I make plans about exercising again someday, maybe. I'm patient with my children and listen when they talk to me. I give reasonable consequences and make interesting lunches. We play games. We laugh together. We go on outings to the library and Target. I enjoy their lingering babyhood. These are the good days.

On the bad days, I feel like I'm moving under water. I'm moving in slow motion and I struggle to catch up to reality. My children are blurs of movement, and when they talk to me it takes three or four repetitions before I understand what they're saying. I get frustrated easily, I yell, I feel guilty and end up crying in a corner of the kitchen, or in the bathroom, or just on the couch with my hands over my face. I check Instagram constantly in an attempt to connect with other adults, but the happy moments of other people's lives hit me too hard, like sunlight in the eyes of someone walking out of a dark room. The TV stays on all day and I accomplish nothing. I see tasks that need doing around the house and feel unable to do anything about them. When Christian comes home, I ask him what his plan is for dinner and ask to take a nap.

There's no pattern to when the bad days happen. Sometimes the trigger is clear: a night full of nursing Leo and empty of sleep, a fight with Christian or with my mom, a headache that refuses to go away. Really, I think the culprit is just boring old postpartum depression. I've come to realize over the past few months that mild depression is a familiar condition; it's come before when I've moved to a new town for college, or when my life takes a turn I didn't expect, or when I haven't been able to get pregnant, or when I have more babies than my brain can handle. I've talked to my husband and my doctor and my bishop, and we're working on it.

Most of the time, I enjoy my life. I enjoy spending time at home with my family. I love my family like crazy, and most of the time, most of my frustration and hard feelings are normal, and just stem from parenting three intense toddlers and a baby all day. I guess what I'm saying is, postpartum depression isn't the worst thing in the world.

Things will get easier. Time will pass, my children will grow older, my day-to-day workload will decrease and I will finally have time to accomplish all of the everything I dream about now. And yet... I can't type those words without wanting to cry. "These are the glory days," my in-laws keep telling me. "These are the days you'll look back on and say, those were the days." And I can feel it. I can feel it, and feel the passage of time fighting against these moments we have together almost tangibly. I see it in the length of their fingernails, and the budding freckles on their cheeks, and their laughs, and their words, and their faces.

I know none of these feelings are anything new. In fact, this entire post reminds me of this {much better} one. But just in case anyone was wondering, I'm still here, feeling all the feelings and changing all the diapers.

13 comments:

  1. I really admire you. I read this post and tears came to my eyes. Being a mom is just plain hard. When your body is making it even harder doesn't it make you want to look up at Heaven and say "I'm doing what you want me to do!" I can't offer any advice and I'm not saying you need any but I want you to know that we're here for you. All the other moms, especially your friends, who know how dark some days can get. There is One as well who knows what we are going through. Sometimes the Atonement is the only thing we have left to fall back on http://youtu.be/nKLH4Biomhc Like I said above I admire you and I think you are so strong.

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  2. I've had a conversation very much like this with Curtis recently. I have so many up and down days. There's no telling what triggers how I'll feel on any given day. I almost feel embarrassed to mention how I feel on those bad days, where I feel exhausted as soon as I wake up, because I assume they'll just brush it off (oh, you probably didn't get enough sleep, you're fine). So all that to say...you're not alone. Thanks for posting this!

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    1. Yes! I never feel like anyone understands how hard it makes my days just when Leo wakes up four times during the night instead of three; saying it now, it definitely doesn't sound like enough to ruin an entire day, but it totally does. And thanks; it's always nice to hear that others feel the same way you do.

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  3. You're always doing much better than you think. I have waves of these hard times too. If I wasn't medicated I can't imagine how much worse it would be. (I'm not even going to tell you how many times we eat fast food because the idea of preparing something THREE times and putting them at the table THREE times every day makes me insane). I hate when I get mad or impatient or yell and then moments later look at those sweet baby faces and they just melt me and I feel like such a terrible mom for ever feeling anything remotely negative about my babies and the experience of motherhood. Thankfully, the good times and the happy thoughts and moments outweigh the bad. You were obviously chosen as the mother of those four kiddos for a reason. You are the perfect mom for your kids. Having worked in all the legal stuff of Social Services, I've seen some really, truly awful parenting. The next time you feel like a bad parent, just remember you don't lock your kids in their rooms until noon so you can sleep in or leave them in the car while you make a drug run to your dealer's house.

    My biggest struggle right now is figuring out if I have an identity beyond being a mom. If you know any answers to that one, let me know...

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    1. Fast food so much. Christian and I sometimes joke about how many times in the last {number} of days our kids have eaten {chicken nuggets/pizza/hot dogs}. And pretty much yes to everything else you wrote in your comment. They are such amazing, sweet, precious, infuriating, frustrating people and I love being their mother.

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  4. I so admire the courage you have in being real. No crap. I love that. And you.

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  5. i didn't realize how hard this whole mothering business was. i keep thinking it gets easier and realizing it just gets harder. what have we gotten ourselves into?!? good thing they're ours forever and so cute.

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  6. I found you via the link up at Sometimes Sweet. I just want to give you a hug. Thanks for sharing, and making the bad days a less scary place by helping us realize that others have them, too. Sending a prayer your way for a few less bad days in the balance.

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  7. Loved reading this, Mary. I can so relate to you and love your honesty. Life with little kids is wonderful and impossibly difficult at the same time. Keep blogging! I need to read blog posts like yours! They remind me I am not alone.

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  8. feel this so much. Every last bit.

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  9. I really loved this post. As soon as I read it, it was like "Hey! Get out of my brain!" and it really made me feel normal... I was on the verge of thinking I needed to be medicated for those bad days or something, ha! Thank you for this.

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