3.22.2012

Needing Time & Being Grateful



Last night after dinner, Christian asked me if I wanted to empty the dishwasher or watch the babies while he cleaned up the kitchen. Almost before he had finished speaking, I broke in and said "Dishwasher!" Because it was one of those nights when I needed a break. I started working on our messy kitchen, and I enjoyed having that quiet time to clean so much. I wondered if, at that moment, there was any chore that I wouldn't have volunteered to do as an alternative to watching children. Wash a sinkful of greasy dishes by hand? Clean all the toilets? Scrub out the garbage can? Check, check, and check -- I would have been up for any of those.

Some nights I find myself in this mood where I get irritated with everyone, and everything I think about is stressful. I have five projects that I started but haven't been able to finish, I need to get my hair cut because it's getting ratty on the ends, our yard is a mess of weeds, some room {or more often, all the rooms} in our house needs cleaning, and I haven't come close to accomplishing anything because I've had babies climbing on me all day. I start thinking, if everyone would just LEAVE ME ALONE and STAY OUT OF MY FACE, then I could get some work done. {They are such adorable babes, and I love them so so much, but I think all mothers get to the point where they need to not be touched for a little while.}

And then I think back to the time when I was free to get things done, the time between babysitting my niece and getting pregnant, and how I spent most of my day on the computer anyway. I found all of the potentially productive hours of each day of intimidating. I was lonely, and I felt empty with the constant heartache of infertility, and those hours stretched in front of me, looming, daring me to fill them. I was afraid to get things done, because what would happen when all the tasks were accomplished and all the chores were completed? Would I fold in on myself, a useless husk of a woman?

Maybe if I were a better person, a stronger and more confident version of myself, I would be better able to give my own life purpose. Even when I was alone. Even when the thing I wanted most felt like it would never come. Instead, I doubted my worth as an individual. My daily work at that time seemed so petty and inconsequential; I didn't feel needed. I dreaded the moment in the evening when Christian would ask what I had done during the day, but also if he didn't ask I felt like it was because he knew I hadn't done anything.

Just thinking about that time, how lost I felt and how I struggled to be happy even though I had so much, it gets me down. So I'm going to stop thinking about it now.

I'm grateful that my life is filled with people now, filled with babies who need me almost more than I can give. I'm grateful that my everyday work is to help them, to care for them and enrich their lives. I'm also grateful for the moments that I have to myself, to mentally relax and be in peace. I'm grateful to have a husband who loves me like crazy and takes care of me, and tries to be sympathetic with what I'm feeling even if he doesn't get it. I'm so grateful for my life right now.

*image from The Glow

10 comments:

  1. I think that too often "mommy bloggers" will only focus on the good, like every day is an absolute dream with their dream babies and dream lives. I love your blog because your real and you share the tough/sad/lonely parts too. Right after Sawyer was born I would read these blogs and feel guilt for leaving my baby with grandma while I ran to target to be alone for a moment, or when I had really rough days and questioned every move I made. But your blog is like a sigh of relief that everything can't be perfect all the time. I love it and you are a wonderful, selfless, strong mama!

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    1. Wow, thank you so much! Your comment just made my day. :)

      I feel guilty sometimes because even though I'm so blessed in my life, I still have a hard days and hard hours, but I try to remind myself to let it go. Motherhood is such a tough job, and one that is never-ending; it makes sense that we need time away. Take care!

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  2. Big hugs to you! I have felt so many of these things so many times. Thanks for the reminder to let it go. :)

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  3. So true Mary! I love your comments, they are so true! I am so glad that we are not alone in knowing that motherhood is both the hardest and most frustrating and yet rewarding and joyful, when you child depends solely on you for that comfort and love.

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  4. Mary,
    I often have a hard time commenting on your blog posts because I have a hard time finding words to express how much I admire you, your attitude and how you can find the words to gracefully and lovingly describe the challenges of motherhood. I truly believe that heavenly father only gives us the challenges that we can handle and you are such an awesome person for handling those challenges like you do.

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    1. Thanks, Hannah. Thank you for saying you admire me; it means a lot {really really} coming from someone I look up to.

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  5. Your blog gets better with every post. You so beautifully put into words the frustrations of motherhood in this post.

    Your blog is my favorite. And I mean that literally. If I could only read one blog, it would be yours.

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    1. You're too sweet! Thank you; I appreciate your words so much.

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  6. I, too, have had many nights of volunteering to run the last minute errand, do the dishes and straighten up the toys. Even ten minutes to myself recharges my batteries.

    Love your blog.

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  7. What a beautiful post. The feelings you describe are so real and similar to mothers and hard to explain to someone who doesn't have a child, I think.

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