State of Affairs

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Some of my days go like this: I wake up and have time to fix my hair. I'm not thinking about the next time I'll get to sleep while walking downstairs. I accomplish things during the day. I clean up the kitchen after breakfast, start dinner before Christian gets home, and throw diapers away in the trash can. I start loads of laundry. I make plans about exercising again someday, maybe. I'm patient with my children and listen when they talk to me. I give reasonable consequences and make interesting lunches. We play games. We laugh together. We go on outings to the library and Target. I enjoy their lingering babyhood. These are the good days.

On the bad days, I feel like I'm moving under water. I'm moving in slow motion and I struggle to catch up to reality. My children are blurs of movement, and when they talk to me it takes three or four repetitions before I understand what they're saying. I get frustrated easily, I yell, I feel guilty and end up crying in a corner of the kitchen, or in the bathroom, or just on the couch with my hands over my face. I check Instagram constantly in an attempt to connect with other adults, but the happy moments of other people's lives hit me too hard, like sunlight in the eyes of someone walking out of a dark room. The TV stays on all day and I accomplish nothing. I see tasks that need doing around the house and feel unable to do anything about them. When Christian comes home, I ask him what his plan is for dinner and ask to take a nap.

There's no pattern to when the bad days happen. Sometimes the trigger is clear: a night full of nursing Leo and empty of sleep, a fight with Christian or with my mom, a headache that refuses to go away. Really, I think the culprit is just boring old postpartum depression. I've come to realize over the past few months that mild depression is a familiar condition; it's come before when I've moved to a new town for college, or when my life takes a turn I didn't expect, or when I haven't been able to get pregnant, or when I have more babies than my brain can handle. I've talked to my husband and my doctor and my bishop, and we're working on it.

Most of the time, I enjoy my life. I enjoy spending time at home with my family. I love my family like crazy, and most of the time, most of my frustration and hard feelings are normal, and just stem from parenting three intense toddlers and a baby all day. I guess what I'm saying is, postpartum depression isn't the worst thing in the world.

Things will get easier. Time will pass, my children will grow older, my day-to-day workload will decrease and I will finally have time to accomplish all of the everything I dream about now. And yet... I can't type those words without wanting to cry. "These are the glory days," my in-laws keep telling me. "These are the days you'll look back on and say, those were the days." And I can feel it. I can feel it, and feel the passage of time fighting against these moments we have together almost tangibly. I see it in the length of their fingernails, and the budding freckles on their cheeks, and their laughs, and their words, and their faces.

I know none of these feelings are anything new. In fact, this entire post reminds me of this {much better} one. But just in case anyone was wondering, I'm still here, feeling all the feelings and changing all the diapers.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter, everyone! I hope you all had a great holiday. Here's how ours went down:

- I went to Target last night under the guise of getting Robitussin and mango sorbet {I've been fighting off a nasty cold/possible sinus infection for the past week}, and came home with bags of Easter basket fillings. {No actual Easter baskets, though - those were all gone.}

- Max and Maggie had fun going through all their plastic eggs this morning, eating the yogurt-covered raisins and fruit snacks inside, and ignoring everything else in the buckets we used instead of baskets. Lucy enjoyed playing with the plastic egg halves and immediately pulling a flower headband off her noggin every time we tried to sneak it on.

- Christian took the twins to church while Lucy and I stayed home. We played fun games like "watch Mama fix her hair" and "go through the bathroom cabinets" and "discover the pregnancy test that first told Mama you existed." {Yes, I still have it.}

- After church, we all went over to Christian's parents house and had dinner with his family. It was a party. Two of his siblings and their families had traveled to be in town, which meant six of his eight siblings and their families were there. I was lucky enough to get the above shot of my in-laws with their six grandchildren.

It was such a wonderful day. And the weather was obligingly warm, which I very much appreciated. Here's hoping the wonderfulness transfers into this upcoming week!

Our Day, In Three Parts

Part I: We took a bath.

I filled up the tub, took off everyone's clothes and diapers, and put everyone in the water. I had just cleaned everyone from top to bottom when Lucy took a dump right in the bathwater. Gross. And since all the kids were looking at it like "What IS that thing?" and "What will happen if I touch it?" I had to rush in pronto and scoop it out with my bare hand. More gross. I then had to confiscate all the washcloths {because at our house, everyone gets their own washcloth, and everyone likes to gnaw on washcloths during bath time}, drain the tub, rinse it out, and then fill it again.

Which is when Max took a dump. EVEN MORE GROSS. More scooping, more confiscating, more draining, more rinsing, but no more filling because EVERYONE OUT OF THE TUB. I wasn't in the mood to tempt fate.

Part II: We went outside.

Going outside was good for us. We played with bubbles {mostly by carrying the containers around in our hands and occasionally sticking the wands in our mouths}, we colored on everything within reach with chalk {and in Lucy's case, nibbled on the ends when I wasn't looking}, we smelled the grape hyacinths that are blooming in our yard. But I think maybe we stayed out too long, because after a while everything started to go wrong.

Max tripped and scraped his arm up so bad I wondered for a minute if I should take him to the doctor {it turns out he was fine even without a band-aid on. I know because I put a band-aid on him and two minutes later he handed it to me, all wadded up, and he hasn't had any issues}, Maggie had a weird run-in with a bee that I still don't entirely understand {I wasn't watching her when it happened, but it really scared her, and for the rest of the day she kept coming up to me and saying "Maggie? Bee? Huhchu?" and needing hugs}, Lucy got frustrated with me fishing everything out of her mouth, and Max even wandered into the road at one point.

Part III: That damn bee.

Maggie woke up again at 9:45, scream-crying for me and when I picked her up and asked her if she had a bad dream, she hiccuped and whispered "bee." I told her the bee was all gone, that she was safe with me, that she was a big brave girl. I gave her a cup of water and her toothbrush. I let Christian hold her. I took her downstairs and let her watch more Yo Gabba Gabba. I tricked myself into thinking that maybe she would fall asleep in our bed. No, no, no, no, and oh no. None of it worked. And she shuddered every time we mentioned the bee.

Finally Christian suggested trying our old 5-10-15 minute routine, and while he was out of the room, Maggie cried and coughed so hard that she threw up. We changed her sheets, we kissed her and put her back in bed. She cried for twenty more minutes, and fell asleep.

This day has been good. This day has been hard, but this day has been good.



P.S. I wrote this post last night, mostly while waiting for Maggie to fall asleep. I finished it when I thought she was asleep for good, but she was not at all. She slept for 40 minutes, woke back up, and then {so Christian tells me} cried on and off until 3:00 am. So yes, we're all exhausted over here this morning.

Falling For...

The weather here was just absolutely gorgeous over the weekend. {Was it for you? I hope so!} On Saturday I wore sandals and our kids played in the front yard until it was time for dinner. It felt so good, such a relief from the oppressive winter cold. The warm air melted some stress that I've been carrying around in my shoulders these past few months, I think. I'm happiest when I'm barefoot outside, and the idea of more warm weather on its way is lifting my spirits all the way up.

I fantasize about spring all winter long. Bunches of bright flowers, warm evenings, short sleeves - I want them all the time. {Possibly I should campaign for us to move to Mexico?} Here are a few items that have been making their way into my dreams of spring:

{ 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 }

What about you? What are you dreaming about this spring?

Belatedly linking up here.

Alone Time {Kind Of}

I've been having a hard time figuring out my blogging schedule lately. Part of it is that I have zero minutes to myself during the day. Between three kids and two nap schedules, someone is always awake and eager to bang on the keys of my laptop. Even if I could figure out how to peel their fingers off me and get some work done, I don't know if I like the idea of staring at a computer screen instead of reading another pigeon book, or building another block tower, or even putting someone in time out again. Interacting with my kids at this age is precious {I'm not going to apologize for how mushy that sounds}, and I'm not going to miss one frustrating, peanut butter-covered minute of it.

Since I don't ever get time alone while Christian is at work {no, not even in the bathroom}, I try to trick myself into thinking that I get time alone. While Max and Maggie are asleep, Lucy and I have a few golden afternoon hours that we spend together. It's not the same kind of quiet as solitude, and it's probably not what I would pick if given the choice, but it gets me through the day. I watch old episodes of Parenthood while Lucy rolls around on the floor and amuses herself by picking up books, one after the other, and setting them back down. I fold laundry and Lucy un-folds laundry. I dance and she laughs at me. I eat popcorn and stinky cheese, she eats {carefully selected kernels of} popcorn and gnaws on apple slices.

And now, here are some more pictures of Lucy sitting in her highchair, because that's always the moment when I think of grabbing my camera:

Currently...

D o i n g : Slicing blueberries for Lucy's afternoon snack. Max and Maggie spend every Friday at Christian's parents' house, so it's just me and my Lovey for a few more hours. Since my twins were born and it was always two {and then three!} babies all the time, it's a treat to get one-on-one time with them. I get to love on them a little bit more, and that's so fun.

L o v i n g : I took the above pictures of Max and Maggie yesterday. I was trying to get a good shot of both of them, to send in a card that they "helped" make for my mom, but Max didn't want to sit still {when I asked him to say "cheese" he would stand up and and put his arms in the air - why, I don't know}, and Maggie only wanted to be the one taking pictures. Even though I didn't get the exact picture I was looking for, the ones I did get show off their toddler-sized personalities so perfectly. Geez, I love this two little hoodlums.

R e a d i n g : You guys already know that I'm reading and loving The Corrections this month, so how about a glimpse into my online reading? Here are a few blogs that have recently become favorites: Sometimes Sweet, Camp Patton, Dear Friend, the Homebook, You Are My Fave, Motley Mama, and Emmadime.

W a t c h i n g : I turned on Toy Story 3 today after Lucy woke up from her nap. I was sobbing through the opening credits. The home video of Andy playing with his toys was breaking my heart because oh-my-gosh-my-kids-are-going-to-grow-up. Which brings me to...

S t r e s s i n g  a b o u t : Max and Maggie turn two whole years old in less than a month. I think for readers, it's one of those things where if your oldest child around is younger than two, you're like, "Nooo!! Too soon!! Notreadynotreadynotready!!" and if your oldest child is older than two, you're like, "What is her deal? Two is NOT that old." So sorry if you think I'm making an issue out of nothing, but two seems so old to me right now. I keep thinking, where did my babies go? And do I have to call them toddlers now? And please will everyone stop asking me about potty training?

T h i n k i n g  a b o u t : I forgot to mention in my Walking Dead post, but I guess it's a thing that everyone loves Daryl Dixon? Or that women find him attractive? And when I realized that fact, I was like, "whaaaaaaat??" Because to me, Daryl's usefulness and resourcefulness in fighting off zombies barely {so much barely!} outweighs his incredibly obnoxious personality. In other words, not at all attractive. In fact, very unattractive, but also very helpful if you need someone to quietly kill zombies for you. Does anyone else want to chime in? Am I missing something?

L o o k i n g  f o r w a r d  t o : CHIPOTLE TONIGHT!! Eating at Chipotle is something that I think about almost every day, because it is just so good. I try not to allow myself to eat there every day, because that would add up to something like $300 each month {yikes}. However, Fridays are when Christian and I go out to eat, and my suggestion is always Chipotle! With an exclamation point! Before he's even finished asking the question! And even if that's not where we end up tonight, that's okay, because I'm excited about the possibility. {Seriously, I think they put something in those soft tacos of theirs, because this paragraph sounds like it was written by a crazy person.}

M a k i n g  m e  h a p p y : Christian and I have been discussing when we want to start trying for another baby. {Which would be our fourth, if you can believe. That number kind of blows my mind, just how quickly our family has grown already.} A newnewbaby. I know the idea is crazy, especially since Lucy just turned nine months old, but every time I think of growing another baby in my belly, I feel a burst of excitement in my heart.

P.S. I know I'm publishing this post at 8:45 in the evening, but I wrote most of it this afternoon, just to orient you. And yes, in case you were wondering, we did end up going to Chipotle.

P.P.S. Idea for this post came from here.

A Happy List for Your Sunday

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I thought about starting out this post by saying "today was one of those days." But actually, today was fine. Not great {Max has had a fever for the past few days, Maggie started having one today, Lucy has gummy eyes and I think I bruised one of her eyelids trying to put drops in and I feel terrible, and all three of them have noses that are running like snot faucets}, but Christian and I have been spared whatever our kids have, at least for now, and I only ever felt frustrated right before nap time, which was extraordinarily convenient.

It was this evening that really did me in.

As I was changing Max's diaper right before I put on his Buzz Lightyear jams, I noticed something not quite right, and I think Max has a double inguinal hernia. Which is just really incredibly frustrating timing, because he JUST had surgery earlier this week. He JUST did, and now I think we're looking at another surgery as soon as we can get it scheduled. And even after I got over my initial "why us??" feelings and gave myself a "you can do this" pep-talk, I've felt emotionally drained. Max in surgery again? Each of my twins having surgery twice before they turn two? WHY? {Okay, so maybe I'm not entirely over my "why us" feelings yet. Give me a few more hours.}

The thing is, I know our family is very blessed, and in order to help me remember that fact, I thought I'd write down a happy list. Right now, in the middle of the night, because I'm certainly not going to fall asleep any time soon. Here are ten things that should be are making me happy:

1. A husband who give me bear hugs because he knows how to help me feel better when I'm stressed.
2. Maggie has started letting me fix her hair on a daily basis. She wants an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba and a packet of fruit snacks in return, but that's okay by me.
3. Mail from friends.
4. A new can of Febreeze air freshener in my bathroom.
5. The Corrections {the book I set a goal to read in February} is so good. Jonathon Franzen is brilliant.
6. This method of soft-boiling eggs is perfect, and I tried some on toast with avocado; it's amazing.
7. Lucy is learning to give kisses. Sometimes, if I ask her about ten times in a row and point to my mouth and purse my lips, she'll lean forward and let her mouth touch mine. I think it's the sweetest.
8. Max has a favorite book, and it's Where the Wild Things Are.
9. These shoes. Christian gave me a pair for Christmas and I love them. {They're so comfortable!}
10. Somehow I got three votes for the Best Family & Kids Blog over on Apartment Therapy's The Homies. It makes me happy because we all know I'm not going to win {I'm not even close to being close to the people who are saying they're not even close}, but a few special people thought it was worth their time to put me up there, anyway. Thanks, friends.

What's making you happy right now?

Family Pictures

I mentioned almost two months ago that we were planning on getting our family picture taken. Well, it's been a long time coming {what with photo shoots being scheduled, rained out, and then rescheduled}, but they're here! They're here! I got the e-mail yesterday that our pictures were ready and I did a little dance of joy. Hurray hurray for family pictures.

I honestly couldn't be more thrilled with them. Leah did an amazing job of capturing how we are in our lives right now and our relationships with each other, which is exactly what I wanted. {If you live nearby, you should check her out. Oh yes yes yes, you should.} I especially love that she got shots of Max with his blankie and Maggie with her teddy; those lovies are dear to my heart.

Without further ado, here are all the family pictures in the world. {My apologies to those who would prefer fewer pictures; I'm not up for getting yelled at by those who want to see them all.}



All photos in this post by Leah Watkins Photography.

A Happy List

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I've been feeling recently like our lives are on this {uphill? downhill? How do BOTH of those descriptors somehow end up sounding negative?} good-directioned path, getting easier and calmer day by day. Lucy is growing older and we're into more of a routine with her; Max and Maggie are becoming so incredibly independent, it's amazing. I find that at the end of the day I've accomplished more than I had expected. I look back and think, "today was a good day."

It's an entirely different story in the moment. Catch me at 11:30 in the morning, when Max and Maggie are tired but I'm trying to keep them up just a little bit later before naptime, when all three of my babes are crying at once for I-don't-know-why, and when I haven't eaten or brushed my teeth or put on a bra. Catch me then and I will say to you, "my life is frustrating as $!%@."

Honestly, I don't know what this discrepancy means. Maybe it's is normal? Maybe it's not; maybe I need more patience and better perspective. Maybe I need let go of accomplishing everything I possibly can in one day and just let myself hang out with my children. Maybe it means that I haven't found that magical golden balance of work + kids that so many moms seem to have down, easy.

In any case, I'm trying to have more happiness and less frustration {and a lot less swearing} in my life. And with that segue, it's time for another happy list. Here are ten things that are making me happy right now:

1. Three-at-a-time baby baths in the tub.
2. Maggie has started saying "Bye! Bye!" just so. incredibly. loud every time we drive away from the house. She has to say it about 50 times before it's out of her system, it seems, which is a little bit obnoxious and a lot bit hilarious.
3. I casually mentioned to my sister that some built-in shelves would look awesome in her living room, and now I think she's going to make my idea a reality.
4. Cool mornings and evenings with breezy days in between. Fall in North Carolina, I love you.
5. Giving Lucy zerberts in her neck rolls. Or in her legs rolls. Or really anywhere on her adorably pudgy little squishy body.
6. Max's accidental haircut. I can't rub my hand over the top of his head enough.
7. New cutting boards from Ikea.
8. Planning to take our little family to a pumpkin patch. I think maybe Max and Maggie will love it.
9. This video. 
10. Picturing Maggie and Lucy in their sweet dresses for my brother-in-law's wedding on Saturday. Oh, and also my brother-in-law's wedding on Saturday. I would say I can't wait, but I know two people who are more impatient for the big day than I am. ;)

What's making you happy, readers? I'd love to hear from you.

Wishing

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Yesterday was a great day. I was completely exhausted from start to finish, but nevertheless, the day reeked of excellence. As is the case with many great days, it was spent visiting my sister Alice. We talked and watched our kids run around outside, made pumpkin muffins and talked some more. At one point all our children were asleep at the same time. "Hallelujah!" we said. At another point I looked out the window and saw a muskrat eating cabbage in Alice's garden. "Bizarre," we said.

The weather yesterday was sunny, cool, and breezy. After Max and Maggie woke up from their nap and refused to eat lunch, we went outside so Max could eat all of Alice's sidewalk chalk and steal her neighbor's rocks. It was so lovely to sit on her patio, watching Maggie decapitate potted chrysanthemums. But I felt in my heart that I was longing for something. My heart tends to do that when the weather is particularly perfect. {I also get strangely excited during storms. I don't know why.}

I decided, after thinking it over for a minute, that what I wanted was several hours alone with Christian. I wanted us to put on our jeans and our boots, and go hiking in the woods. I wanted to stop at a creek and soak my feet in the water. I wanted to build a campfire and roast hot dogs, make s'mores, and then cuddle with my husband under a blanket. I wanted him to read to me before it got too dark, and then I wanted for us to pack up all our stuff and go home.

Ah, time alone with Christian. Awake time. More than a couple hours in a row time. It's a luxury we haven't enjoyed since before Lucy {the eternally breastfeeding baby} was born. Still, the opportunity will come again soon enough. That's what I keep telling myself. That's what others keep telling me when I can't tell myself anymore. Soon enough, soon enough.

I am happy to know that the thing my heart was wanting was so simple and sweet. I tend to get very melodramatic sometimes when I feel something missing from my life -- questioning my life choices and/or buying more clothes than I can afford. It's easier if I can just pinpoint the one thing and put a name on it. I say, "I want time with just my husband" and breathe a sigh of relief.

Does the weather sometimes make you feel like your heart is going to explode? Or like you want to travel? I almost always want to travel in the fall {but maybe that's just me}.

P.S. The pumpkin muffins we made yesterday were ah-mah-zing. I've already had three this morning, and I'm having trouble not eating the rest of them before Christian gets home. I'll share the recipe soon.

For Your Monday

There's not much to this post, just a little something I thought might brighten your Monday:



That's my Lovey! She is somehow growing up into not such a tiny baby anymore. Filling out a six-month-size sleeper that Maggie didn't wear until she was nine months old? Lucy, what are you doing to your mama's heart??

And look at all those sweet chubs! I just want to eat her all up, and she smells like heaven. Truly, I am convinced she's the easiest happiest prettiest fattest sweetest babe there ever was. The eyes! The cheeks! The sleeping through the night! Bless you, dear Lucy, my magic baby.