10.04.2012

This Is Not a Goodbye Post


{ image via }

You've probably noticed that I haven't posted on this blog in a month. {If you haven't, go look at the date on my last post. If you're too lazy to look, you'll have to take my word that it's September 4th.} There's a reason I haven't posted in a month, and I've spent the better part of this month trying to figure out what that reason is and how to articulate it. As I write, I'm still trying. Please bear with me.

A lot of it started when I noticed that I was getting traffic from a certain site. Nothing terrible or hurtful was being said about me, but I ended up letting myself get sucked in for a few days nonetheless. I realized {suddenly, starkly, like a slap in the face} how many things I was doing with my blog just because of the thought, everyone else is doing this, therefore I should, too. And why? How the heck does that make sense as a way to function?

I've realized during the past month that I have a kind of love/irritation relationship with blogging. On the positive side, I enjoy blogging. It's been a wonderful emotional outlet for me. I enjoy writing, and I enjoy that others read my writing. I love the relationships I've formed with other bloggers. I love reading blogs; I admire beautiful and well-written blogs, of which there are too many to count. I think blogging is an amazing, inspiring form of media.

However, I feel irritated when I see bloggers who seem insincere, blogging solely for the purpose of gaining money and popularity. I won't expand any more on those feelings - they're ugly and I'm trying to do better about just being my best self without judging others. {And maybe I need to stop pretending to know what motivates others. Please know that I'm not trying to insult anyone; I think it's amazing when bloggers can make money doing what they love.}

More to the point than all that mess I just typed, during my unintentional month-long blogging hiatus, I found that I've been happier. I've had less stress in my life, and I've been able to accomplish more. {I've made dinner more often in the past three weeks than I have since Christian and I were first married four and a half years ago.} I sometimes find myself in a position where can either blog or... fill in the blank, and whatever fills in the blank always seems to take priority. Especially if it's letting Lucy stay sleeping on my chest, because that's just the best way to spend time ever.

And so I feel conflicted. I want to promise myself to let my little blog be its own thing, and not to feel pressure to do anything a certain way, but I honestly don't know if I can do that. I want to let go of the negative feelings I have towards others, but I don't know if I can do that either. And if I can't do either of those things, then what I'm giving up to blog {my time, which is more precious to me now than it's ever been} seems better spent on something else.

By now it seems that there's only one logical conclusion to this post: stop blogging, move on, just live my life. But that's not the conclusion I've reached.

Here's why: Tuesday afternoon was rainy. I had had thoughts earlier in the day about going to the park, but we were stuck at home. To stave off restlessness, I got out a little jar of bubbles and started blowing them in our living room. The ceiling fan was on and the bubbles practically danced around the room. My children were incredibly, adorably delighted. Max and Maggie laughed and waved their arms around. Maggie fell backward more than once, trying to reach a bubble floating over her head. Lucy cackled from her seat in the Bumbo; I don't know if she found the bubbles themselves or the general air of excitement more hilarious. Max came over and tried to blow some bubbles by himself; he got the idea of what he was supposed to do, but wouldn't blow unless the wand was touching his mouth. I looked around at my happy kids and I thought, I want to do this forever. It was a perfectly perfect moment. And even though I told myself I would always remember that moment, chances are that if I didn't just write it down, I would have eventually forgotten.

This blog is my journal right now, and I can't bear to forget all the moments. I can't capture every memory - there are too many, and some are just for my heart alone - but I can keep enough that when I re-read these posts, I can feel a little of the essence of how our lives used to be seeping out. Like hugging a sweater that's been packed away and getting a whiff of the smell that's still inside it.

I have to keep trying, I have to keep going. I have to learn to be myself and not worry about others, make time to record memories and still cherish the moments I'm in. It's a little cheesy maybe, and certainly nothing ground-breaking, but this has been my thought process over the past month. And heaven help me, I'm glad it's finally out.

16 comments:

  1. Mary, thank you for writing this post. I feel like you said all the right words and all the right things. I've struggled with this in the past, writing just for the sake of writing, blogging just for the sake of putting up a post. This summer I took a break, and now I'm slowly dipping back into it. And it's strictly for me. For me to write down and remember and look back on. And the fact that a few people are following along is an amazing feeling, but I am trying my darnedest not to let that be what leads the show.

    Learning how to follow your own heart is heard, especially in a world where everyone seems to follow the crowd. I believe you come across to be very unique in this blogging world, and appreciate you all the more for it.

    This was so helpful for me to read, and something I'm going to keep striving for for as long as I keep calling myself a blogger, and the rest of my days on this earth.

    Thanks for being you. And reminding me that my time is best spent just being me.

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    1. This comment just made my day, Anna! I'm so glad you {and others} understood what I was trying to say. I love reading your blog as well, in part because it exudes such a positive spirit; thanks for sharing some of your sunshine with me today.

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  2. I love your blog and you. I always appreciate your honesty in the things you write. Forget the haters and remember the lovers :)

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  3. Good point. I love those moments where you stand back and think... wow my kids are happy and I am happy & were are doing something fun together. I think it is great to take a hiatus from anything. It helps you sit back and see what really is important. I am glad you are going to continue to blog occasionally, this is such a great way to keep our family history (in this technology era).

    I would love to stop blogging but then I remember the blog is my book, my family history, my stories and pictures for my kids to look at one day. I eventually (someday) will start blog books for each year but haven't gotten that accomplished. I have tried 3x and can't get started, but someday I will do that and my kids will see all the pics & stories not just on the computer but in a book. Good luck!
    Jill

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  4. I have a hard time with the bloggers for money and sponsors... because it's just so easy to seem fake.

    I'm glad you're gonna keep blogging. Honestly I love reading your blog, because I'm so inspired by how you do what you do. You have 3 beautiful babies and you have fun with them and love them and someday I hope to balance 3.

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    1. Ah! The fakery! But I'm trying to let go; what they do and how they act doesn't need to affect me at all.

      I feel sometimes like people give me more credit than I deserve. Having three babies at once was NOT the plan, but it's what happened, and that's our family now, so I do what I have to do. I'm sure when you have three of your own you'll be great. :)

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  5. So well said, as usual. :) My blog is my only journal now (I used to write every day for years!) and the easiest way for me to share pictures/document what's going on (I'm not really a scrapbooker). Sometimes I feel pressure to keep up with blogs and post regularly but I just need to remember what's really important- being there for my family and making memories. :) Love your perfect moment!

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  6. I love this post. I love all your posts. I know how blogging can bring out in the worst in people, and I definitely know that in can bring the worst out in myself. I have spent my fair share of time trying to figure out why one blog is popular while others that are amazing aren't being read by everyone with a brain. But I've tried so hard over the last year to just let it go - because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if someone who writes a blog is insincere and it doesn't matter if someone with mediocre style has a million followers. There is room on the internet for every single one of us. And if they are doing something I don't like, then I don't read it. It's beautifully simple and has made me a much happier person.

    I am so glad that during your hiatus you have been spending more time enjoying the three sweet little people at your house.

    And most importantly, I am so glad that you haven't said goodbye. You say all the things about motherhood that I wish I could find the words for. It doesn't matter if you write once a week or once a month, because when you write you do it well. And I, for one, will always come back to hear what you have to say.

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    1. You're so right - it doesn't matter. And it is simple, but something that I still find myself struggling with sometimes.

      Your friendship is all that keeps me blogging sometimes; it helps to know that my blog's #1 fan is out there, caring if I keep going. Thanks for that. :)

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    2. I'm going to make & wear a t-shirt saying "Mary's No. 1 Fan". :)

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    3. Haha! I have no doubt it's going to look fabulous. The most fashionable graphic tee around.

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  7. You are beautiful. As is your family. As is your blog.

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  8. Once, a long time ago, I wanted to be one of those fakey bloggers who got lots of money and sponsors and a million followers. But then I realized that I'd have to sacrifice more time than I was willing to, to do something I'm not very good at and honestly have a hard time doing consistently.

    So my blog is, and always will be, my journal.

    That being said, I've always wished my blog could be half as nice as yours. :)

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  9. I was holding my breath the whole time I read your perfectly expressed struggles thinking "Please don't say you're going to stop blogging." Exhale. Whew. My life can continue. I usually don't comment but this was just one of those times my stalking had to break its silence. Thank you Mary, for past, present and future blog posts that are always so wonderfully you.

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  10. I saw a quote recently that said "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about". That's how I feel about my blog, which has such small readership it's laughable. But I can't stop thinking about it, so I keep going. I'm glad you will, too, because this was the first post I read upon finding your blog yesterday. And I'm just dying to know you better from that small slice of truth you shared. And you've made me feel braver, too, so thank you for that!

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  11. I just wanted to let you know that I also enjoy reading your blog!

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