When Skies are Gray

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In my last post I mentioned almost casually that my mother-in-law has cancer again, and then basically asked everyone to leave me alone about it. I wasn't ready to talk about it then {not even close}, but I'm going to try to talk about it now.

Maybe the words that I find today will feel inadequate again, and maybe that will make me feel like I'm dishonoring a woman I love and admire so much. But maybe if I keep waiting until my words are perfect, I'll end up never saying anything.

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I find myself here again, trying to find words to share with you all after being absent from this blog for so long. I feel the need to sum up everything that has happened since I last posted, to do justice to the length of time and its significance, but that seems too big a task for me to accomplish in the moments that I can scrape together. I'm afraid that writing has fallen into the cracks between cleaning macaroni and cheese off the floor, toddler story time and assembly-line-style diaper changes. It's not that I haven't wanted to come here and share my life, I have. I love how many of you have reached out to tell me that whenever I'm ready to come back, you'll be out there. I so appreciate it. Thank you.

I've started this post many times, several on the computer and infinity in my head. (This one is actually being typed on my phone, just to mix it up). Words, appropriate and worthy words, have always escaped me. It's just that, when your mother-in-law has cancer, when doctors say that her chances of surviving the next five years are 20 percent, sometimes there are no words.

You want to say things like: I'm in denial that anything is actually happening, but there's an undercurrent of stress in my life that causes me to lash out at everyone close to me. When I take a shower I fantasize about someone giving me a really good reason to yell at them because I don't have an outlet for my anger.

Or: My heart is breaking and I ugly cry whenever I think about the possibility that my children, who have the most beautiful relationship with their grandmother, may never remember her or how much or how well she loved them.

Or just: Every time someone makes a joke about cancer, I want to punch them in the face.

But none of those options encompasses your grief, how your heart is simultaneously trying to hold on to hope and guard itself against enormous pain. You keep telling yourself this isn't about you! but also you get irrationally irritated at people who call "How's your mother-in-law doing?" across a crowded hallway at church, even though you know they're just trying to be supportive, because you have no idea how to respond.

"She's my hero" is what you would say, if you were being completely honest. "She's the strongest woman I've ever met."

You cry on the phone when your mother asks you, "when it comes down to it, would you rather have the best mother-in-law for a few years, or an okay one for the rest of your life?" and your children huddle around you to give you soft little hugs and pats on the arm even though they don't know why you're sad.

You find yourself crying at Cheerios commercials for fifteen minutes at a time, sobs that leave you exhausted and with a headache.

All of that has been a large part of my life lately. Even now that I've finally written it all out, my brain is screaming at me, "erase! Erase! Erase!" because these words aren't good enough. I love my mother-in-law like I love my own mother, and what could I possibly come up with that would do justice to what any of us in her family is feeling? It will have to do, though.

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Cancer hasn't been all of my life for the past three months, of course. With my kiddos, I haven't been allowed to dwell on anything for too long. Block towers need to be built and Goodnight Moon needs be read five times in a row, thank goodness. Christian keeps making me laugh day after day, and The Walking Dead just started again on Sunday, in case you hadn't heard. And thinking about our baby boy coming in December has saved my spirits from falling. He gives me something to look forward to, a reason to be grateful that time is still moving.

Currently...

D o i n g : Nesting like nuts crazy. My hormones are begging me to redecorate every single room in the house, clean constantly, and clear out half of our possessions, but it's a battle between what I want to do, and what's actually possible with three tiny kiddos running around. Besides some slow {incredibly, frustratingly slow} progress on the living room and the big kids' room, I refreshed our downstairs bathroom over the weekend. It's now my favorite room in the house, which isn't helping me not hide in there when the kids are being particularly whiny. ;)

L o v i n g : Feeling our baby boy kick around inside me. Buying him new white onesies. Eating fresh local peaches {they are HEAVEN}. Pinning my heart out, because I like to collect all the beautiful images from around the Internet, even if I'm never going to do anything with them. Seeing pictures of everyone's babies & baby bumps on Instagram {keep 'em coming, friends!}. Lucy's cuddliness, Maggie's precociousness, and Max's easy happiness.

R e a d i n g : The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, right on schedule. It's not the first time I've started the Guide. My first attempt was a couple years ago, but I couldn't get into it. This book should be right up my alley, science fiction young-adult-level reading with dry humor, but I find myself rolling my eyes at it at least once a day. I blame the movie. In high school I had a friend who dragged me to the movie and was over-the-moon into it because she had loved the books for years, and I just didn't get a-n-y of it. Since then I've kind of had this attitude of, "really, Hitchhiker's Guide? Really?" condescension, which I'm seriously trying to get over. I don't want to be that person.

W a t c h i n g : Season One of Alias with Christian. It seems only right, after the other J.J. Abrams shows we've watched and loved. {Also considering my major long-standing crush on Jennifer Garner. She's my fave.} On real TV, I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance, Project Runway, and all the HGTV I can squeeze in.

T h i n k i n g   a b o u t : My mother-in-law, who's currently in the hospital recovering from some extensive surgery. She has cancer, again. {You can read more about her diagnosis and treatment on her blog, here. Or, for more frequent updates, there's her Facebook page.} This may be news that deserves its own blog post, but it's something that's hard for me to talk about with people who aren't family or close family friends, so while I couldn't not mention it, I'm throwing it in with this other stuff in the hopes that not everyone will comment on it. My mother-in-law is an incredibly strong, hero of a woman, and we have the highest hopes for her future.

L o o k i n g   f o r w a r d   t o : An Ikea trip coming up sometime soon. Our closest store is three hours away, but I can't stay away for more than six months or so. And yes, I have another to-buy list complete with product names and quantities ready to go. ;) Also, we're planning on getting a bigger car at the end of the month, and even though I feel like a total nerd saying it, I'm SO excited to get a minivan. {No more kids kicking each other on long car trips! Hooray!} There's also our beach trip coming up in September; bless these long North Carolina summers.

M a k i n g   m e   h a p p y : Encouraging comments from everyone after announcing our pregnancy; really, people have been so amazingly kind and positive, it's been surprising and just the best. THANK YOU, you wonderful readers you.

P l u s : Two recent favorites on happiness. 1 & 2.

One Two Three Four...

Hey, friends. I wanted to share some news with you.



I'm pregnant!! {Um, again!} We're expecting baby number four {who is a BOY, we found out earlier today} in early December.

I thought about making some kind of awesome tear-inducing announcement video {see: example}, but I'm 18 weeks along and haven't been able to find the time yet. {As you can see in the awkward self-portrait above, I can't even find the time to ask someone else to take my picture, or at least clean my bathroom mirror. I DID spend 45 minutes on Pinterest today, so rest assured my priorities are all in line.}

If you've done the math, you've realized that our baby boy will be born before Max and Maggie's third birthday, so yes, four under three is what we're looking at here. Honestly, it was a lot to take in at first, and I had a hard time emotionally for a little while. I feel so ungrateful saying it, especially when I know there are those out there who are struggling with infertility and would give anything to be pregnant. We just didn't expect this baby to come so soon.

I think I first began to feel really excited when Candis posted this photo on Instagram. It reminded me why I love growing this {not so} little family of mine so much, why it's worth it, and how great we are together. {Thank you, Candis. Reading that caption still brings tears to my eyes, every time.} When we had our first ultrasound and heard the baby's heartbeat, all my doubts flew out the window and now I cannot wait.

We are beyond excited. Having babies is kind of addicting, I've found. ;)

Lucy's Number One

I promised to post some {now ridiculously outdated} pictures that I snapped at Lucy's first birthday party, and here they are! If you aren't already excited to see them, you should be; she's just about the cutest thing I've ever seen, and the look on her face while we sang Happy Birthday is priceless.

{I forget why she was holding a tennis ball.}

Her reaction to this cupcake went from "What IS this??" to "CUPCAKE!!" in just a few seconds.

And, of course, the finger in the nose. Because that's what one-year-olds do.

What We've Been Up To...

Maybe you noticed? But I haven't hit ye olde orange publish button in almost three months. I think this is where I say "whoops." {Not "sorry," though - I'm unapologetic this year, remember?} It's hard to explain why I suddenly dropped off the map, blog-wise. Some insecurity, I think, along with my complete inability to do anything consistently probably contributed. And once I went away, it became harder and harder to come back. I needed a break, though - time to sort everything out in my head and be at peace with myself. I know this is all very vague and weird; that's actually how it felt as it was happening, so I'm afraid I don't have better words to explain. Again, whoops.

BUT now that I'm back, I thought I'd give a little rundown of what we've been up to.

4/12 - Christian and I celebrated our fifth anniversary. And by "celebrated," I mean that we ended up in the Urgent Care because Christian was feeling terrible; it turns out he had strep. It kind of sucks that the first time I left Lucy with the in-laws {and cried the whole way home, by the way} so my husband and I could have a evening alone, I ended up watching TV by myself while Christian took a nap upstairs.

4/28 - I turned the big 2-7 and had the worst birthday ever. {Sorry to be such a downer, but there it is.} The fact is that Sundays are just hard; wrestling three kids through church feels like a workout and often leaves me with a headache. And since it was Sunday, that meant no breaking the sabbath for us - no going out for birthday dinner, or birthday doughnut runs.

5/12 - Christian let me sleep in for Mother's Day and made me breakfast; he also gave me the sweetest card of all time. The guy has a way with words when he wants to, I'm telling you. We got to talk to his brother Daniel, who's currently serving a two-year mission in Uruguay, that evening. Overall it was a good day; Mother's Day hasn't always been my favorite, but I sure do love my little family.

5/20 - Our baby Lucy turned one whole years old. {More pictures of her party to come; they're too adorable not to share.} She's growing up into the sweetest little girl, taking tentative steps and talking in her soft voice every chance she gets. I miss her tiny baby self and nursing her to sleep, but she's still got a chubby belly and I love the big girl she's turning into.

6/8 - As has become tradition in Christian's family, we all {all 20 of us, including my then eight-and-a-half-months-pregnant sister-in-law} walked the Komen Race for the Cure together. My amazing mother-in-law has been cancer-free for three years, and we couldn't be more proud of her.

6/16 - I meant to get up with the kids on Father's Day, I really did. But it was only after Christian got out of bed that I woke up. I followed him and sent him back upstairs right away, but he couldn't fall back asleep. {Father's Day fail.} I did make him breakfast, let him take a long nap, and helped the kids give him a card and presents. {On the other hand, I forgot to call my own dad until 10:30 pm. Facepalms all around.}

6/21 - Our darling niece Tabitha was born. We haven't met her in person yet, but if pictures and videos are anything to go on, she is the most adorably squishy thing. I can't wait to smell her head and kiss some of those neck rolls.

I hope there are still a few people out there who care that I'm back. :) Either way, I plan on posting more often from now on.



P.S. These pictures were taken one morning when I asked my kiddos during breakfast, "What should we do today?" and Maggie promptly responded, "Paint... outside?" It was such a good idea, so I obliged. We had fun painting for a while, and then when they got bored, I turned on the hose to wash them off and that turned into an activity of its own. Max especially loved the mud puddle that all the water created at the edge of the driveway.