When Skies are Gray

{ image via }

In my last post I mentioned almost casually that my mother-in-law has cancer again, and then basically asked everyone to leave me alone about it. I wasn't ready to talk about it then {not even close}, but I'm going to try to talk about it now.

Maybe the words that I find today will feel inadequate again, and maybe that will make me feel like I'm dishonoring a woman I love and admire so much. But maybe if I keep waiting until my words are perfect, I'll end up never saying anything.

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I find myself here again, trying to find words to share with you all after being absent from this blog for so long. I feel the need to sum up everything that has happened since I last posted, to do justice to the length of time and its significance, but that seems too big a task for me to accomplish in the moments that I can scrape together. I'm afraid that writing has fallen into the cracks between cleaning macaroni and cheese off the floor, toddler story time and assembly-line-style diaper changes. It's not that I haven't wanted to come here and share my life, I have. I love how many of you have reached out to tell me that whenever I'm ready to come back, you'll be out there. I so appreciate it. Thank you.

I've started this post many times, several on the computer and infinity in my head. (This one is actually being typed on my phone, just to mix it up). Words, appropriate and worthy words, have always escaped me. It's just that, when your mother-in-law has cancer, when doctors say that her chances of surviving the next five years are 20 percent, sometimes there are no words.

You want to say things like: I'm in denial that anything is actually happening, but there's an undercurrent of stress in my life that causes me to lash out at everyone close to me. When I take a shower I fantasize about someone giving me a really good reason to yell at them because I don't have an outlet for my anger.

Or: My heart is breaking and I ugly cry whenever I think about the possibility that my children, who have the most beautiful relationship with their grandmother, may never remember her or how much or how well she loved them.

Or just: Every time someone makes a joke about cancer, I want to punch them in the face.

But none of those options encompasses your grief, how your heart is simultaneously trying to hold on to hope and guard itself against enormous pain. You keep telling yourself this isn't about you! but also you get irrationally irritated at people who call "How's your mother-in-law doing?" across a crowded hallway at church, even though you know they're just trying to be supportive, because you have no idea how to respond.

"She's my hero" is what you would say, if you were being completely honest. "She's the strongest woman I've ever met."

You cry on the phone when your mother asks you, "when it comes down to it, would you rather have the best mother-in-law for a few years, or an okay one for the rest of your life?" and your children huddle around you to give you soft little hugs and pats on the arm even though they don't know why you're sad.

You find yourself crying at Cheerios commercials for fifteen minutes at a time, sobs that leave you exhausted and with a headache.

All of that has been a large part of my life lately. Even now that I've finally written it all out, my brain is screaming at me, "erase! Erase! Erase!" because these words aren't good enough. I love my mother-in-law like I love my own mother, and what could I possibly come up with that would do justice to what any of us in her family is feeling? It will have to do, though.

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Cancer hasn't been all of my life for the past three months, of course. With my kiddos, I haven't been allowed to dwell on anything for too long. Block towers need to be built and Goodnight Moon needs be read five times in a row, thank goodness. Christian keeps making me laugh day after day, and The Walking Dead just started again on Sunday, in case you hadn't heard. And thinking about our baby boy coming in December has saved my spirits from falling. He gives me something to look forward to, a reason to be grateful that time is still moving.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter, everyone! I hope you all had a great holiday. Here's how ours went down:

- I went to Target last night under the guise of getting Robitussin and mango sorbet {I've been fighting off a nasty cold/possible sinus infection for the past week}, and came home with bags of Easter basket fillings. {No actual Easter baskets, though - those were all gone.}

- Max and Maggie had fun going through all their plastic eggs this morning, eating the yogurt-covered raisins and fruit snacks inside, and ignoring everything else in the buckets we used instead of baskets. Lucy enjoyed playing with the plastic egg halves and immediately pulling a flower headband off her noggin every time we tried to sneak it on.

- Christian took the twins to church while Lucy and I stayed home. We played fun games like "watch Mama fix her hair" and "go through the bathroom cabinets" and "discover the pregnancy test that first told Mama you existed." {Yes, I still have it.}

- After church, we all went over to Christian's parents house and had dinner with his family. It was a party. Two of his siblings and their families had traveled to be in town, which meant six of his eight siblings and their families were there. I was lucky enough to get the above shot of my in-laws with their six grandchildren.

It was such a wonderful day. And the weather was obligingly warm, which I very much appreciated. Here's hoping the wonderfulness transfers into this upcoming week!

Family Pictures

I mentioned almost two months ago that we were planning on getting our family picture taken. Well, it's been a long time coming {what with photo shoots being scheduled, rained out, and then rescheduled}, but they're here! They're here! I got the e-mail yesterday that our pictures were ready and I did a little dance of joy. Hurray hurray for family pictures.

I honestly couldn't be more thrilled with them. Leah did an amazing job of capturing how we are in our lives right now and our relationships with each other, which is exactly what I wanted. {If you live nearby, you should check her out. Oh yes yes yes, you should.} I especially love that she got shots of Max with his blankie and Maggie with her teddy; those lovies are dear to my heart.

Without further ado, here are all the family pictures in the world. {My apologies to those who would prefer fewer pictures; I'm not up for getting yelled at by those who want to see them all.}



All photos in this post by Leah Watkins Photography.

Sisters

Yesterday I went to visit my sister Alice for the first time since Lucy was born. I thought, "it's been two months and the time has come!" and then my brain couldn't help itself and followed with "...the walrus said." Because, you know, Alice. But seriously, I lovelovelove visiting Alice. Whenever I'm feeling like I want to get out of my house, like I have to get out of my house or my brain will explode, I run to Alice's. And we had the bestest time with her and her kids yesterday.

One thing about Alice is that she makes things seem easy. When we're at home, Max and Maggie toddle up to our back doors, peer out, try to turn the knob, and then turn at look at me with the most pathetic looks on their faces. I know they're saying, "Please, Mama, let us play outside!" But it just seems too hard, or too hot, or too infested with mosquitoes to venture outdoors with just me and them. So we play inside instead.

When we were at Alice's house, Maggie was looking out the back door and I said, "Oh, she wants to go outside." And Alice jumped up and said, "Well, then let's go!"* And we went. And my kids had the time of their lives. Lucy lay on a blanket in the grass and kicked her legs whenever the wind blew. Max crawled all over, tried to eat rocks, successfully ate a flower, and chewed on a paintbrush {his favorite}. Maggie showed off her walking, took all the chalk out of its basket and then put it back in again, and rubbed water in her hair. Ah, every babies' perfect day!

I've talked before about how great a sister Alice is, how she always helps me feel better, how her house is my home-away-from-home. Do you have someone like that in your life? I hope everyone does. And I hope that someday I can be to Alice what she is to me.







*Alice didn't really say that. Oswald {from our favorite show Oswald} says that in the episode "Daisy Plays an Instrument." I don't remember exactly what Alice said, but probably it was more like, "Okay, we can go outside." Please forgive me for quoting Oswald to you; it's hard to get him out of my head sometimes.

We Are a Happy Family

Christian and I are on our way down to Morehead City right now {I'm writing this post courtesy of Catherine's iPhone. Boy, does this keyboard take some getting use to}. Just three days after the twins were born, my SIL Elizabeth had her third baby. And while I delivered seven weeks early, Clark came right on time. Consequently, he's younger, but weighed a pound and a half heavier than both my babes combined at birth. I think Christian and I joked about little Clarkie being a tank a couple times too often for Elizabeth's comfort. {It was only because we were jealous of his chubbiness, LB.}

The purpose of our trip today is so we can be at Clark's blessing tomorrow. We would have gone in the morning, but 9:00 am church means we would have had to leave way early in the morning. We've never traveled more than 45 minutes in the car at one time before, so this is an adventure. Being together with family makes it worth it, even if this trip ends up being a screaming baby nightmare. Two hours down, and they've been sleeping peacefully so far. Cross your fingers the remaining hour goes by as easily and quietly for us!

Family Picture

See my adorable eight-week-old babies? My SIL Catherine was kind enough to take a family picture before church on Sunday. {And I'm only now just getting around to posting.} Eight weeks before Sunday I became a mother. Eight days before Sunday I hit my due date. Can you imagine me pregnant with almost 14 pounds worth of baby? Holy cannoli, I would have been massive.

I'd like to make this post longer, but Max is calling.

Some Christmas Eve Pictures

Christian and I spent Christmas Eve in traditional Plautz fashion and with excellent Plautz company.  We hit up McDonald's for dinner, then headed back to the in-laws' house to read the Biblical account of Christmas and sing Christmas songs.  We finished by eating delicious homemade candy.  {On a side note, my doctor told me yesterday that I'm gaining too much weight.  I think I should get a break just after the holidays.}  I didn't get any pictures from Christmas Day, so these will have to suffice.

I've loved having Christian home for the past few days.  It's so nice to just look over and see him nearby.  Today we set out to visit a couple of libraries and pick up some graphic novels for Christian.  When we arrived at the Eva H. Perry Wake County Public Library, Christian and I encountered what must have been the slowest family of all time.  First, they waited for someone to pull out of a parking spot they wanted, when there were plenty available.  They then backed in, which required the driver to execute a five-point turn.  Once they were no longer in our way, Christian and I parked, got out of the car, and walked inside.  We found the books Christian was looking for, browsed around, and checked out.  When we came out the car, our slow friends had just gotten out of their car.  As we drove away, they were still walking toward the door.  Seriously?

After the libraries, we strolled around Barnes & Noble, then Christian surprised me by suggesting Macaroni Grill for a late lunch.  It was wonderful.  I enjoy restaurants with paper tablecloths.  We played hangman until our orders arrived; my puzzles were "hoverboard" and "delusions of grandeur," while Christian's were "hangman is lame" and "these are the letters of the alphabet: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz."  When I complained that his second didn't count, because it contained non-words, he said that at least I didn't guess a single wrong letter {although actually I did; I guessed a letter twice}.

I Don't Think I've Ever Seen Anything More Adorable

When I went to visit my mother on Wednesday, she gave me a package of diapers as a present.  They're the tiniest diapers I've ever seen, and definitely the most adorable.  I think it's good they're so charmingly small; I don't think my body is up to housing two nine-pound babies.  I can't stop looking at them.  I kind of want to tie ribbons to them and hang them on our Christmas tree:



My mom and I spent the rest of my visit snuggled on the couch, talking about everything that came to mind.  We talked about how wonderful getting married in the temple is, and how long it takes my dad to answer questions, and spiritual thoughts I had after our most recent Sunday School lesson.  We looked at my ultrasound pictures and exclaimed over how cute their little feet are.  It was very cozy and peaceful, and I had a hard time leaving.  Mom suggested I put my feet up and take a nap instead.

I really can't wait until we have a roomful of supplies waiting for our babies.  It seems like forever away.  I hope the time passes quickly.

Happy Thanksgiving!

In a move that's completely cliche, I'd like to share a few things that I'm thankful for today.  I'm thankful that Christian's brother Eric came home safely from his mission in Georgia this afternoon.  I'm thankful that our big huge whole family could be together for Thanksgiving today.  I'm thankful for everything we have, and that we could share an excellent dinner this evening.  I'm thankful for the gospel, for my life with Christian, and right now, I'm especially thankful for...

...my belly, which is round and full of growing baby.

Komen Race for the Cure

{Kristin, Michael, Dad, Alex, Mom, Catherine, Daniel & Christian}

My favorite pictures from this weekend -- after the race, each survivor got a pink balloon for each year since her diagnosis.  {See my mother-in-law with her balloon?  I'm so proud of her.}  We saw one tiny old lady ask for 54 balloons.  Fifty-four!!  And were afraid she would start floating away.  At the end of the closing ceremonies, they all released the balloons into the air.  It was a great experience; I'm grateful Catherine set everything up for us, and that we could do it as a family.  We'll be back next year!

Kate + Mary

Alice just sent me this picture she took when I went over the other day.

Thank goodness for nieces.

I love fat little squishable baby ones who let you hold them until they fall asleep,

and cute little girl ones who want to do everything with you,

jump on you when you're not paying attention to them,

and cuddle with blankies on your lap.

I love how the first kind turn into the second kind.

{But what comes next?}

Another Rainy Day Picture

Alice sent over this picture that she took of our beach trip on Thursday.  I love that it has some of everyone in it: Kate, Mom, Elaine {isn't she adorable?}, Lara, Laura and I are all smiling for the camera, you can see Hayden and Sara Joy swimming in the oceanic distance, and Alice, of course, is taking the picture.  It's perfect.

Rainy Day at the Beach

My mom and sisters packed up all their kids and headed to the beach for a day trip on Thursday.  We were worried when we got to Fort Fischer and the lifegaurds had just told everyone that they were closing down for at least an hour because of a storm that was passing through {okay, maybe just I was worried, and maybe a little bit frustrated}, but we drove down the coastline until we found a Public Beach Access where lifeguards wouldn't be a problem.  Aren't lifegaurds a serious hassle sometimes?  Our spot on the beach was perfect -- it had a tide pool where the girls could play out of the waves.  The weather was cloudy and a little rainy at times, but also cool and breezy and wonderful.  We all had so much fun, except Elaine, who slept the whole time we were on the beach.  The only thing more I could have asked for was not so many creepy guys walking around slowly.  And a bathroom would have been nice.

Take 3

We went to my parents' house this evening for our monthly dinner and Christian's birthday celebration.  We had sandwiches {Christian's favorite}, pasta salad and lemonade for dinner.  My mom stuck a candle into a pack of Oreos for a birthday dessert.  They were delicious.  It was windy and cloudy and cool outside, so we all ended up on the porch.  Happy Birthday to Christian again!  I'll tell about what we did on his actual birthday another time... I'm waiting on photographic evidence.

More Mother's Day Pictures

More pictures from our Mother's Day photo shoot at Alice's.  I think we hit almost every combination of people possible.  Unfortunately, I couldn't get one of all eight of us -- there's no timer on my Diana.

On Mother's Day growing up I remember that my dad would always wake us up so that we could make my mother breakfast in bed.  I thought that it was so luxurious, with sliced strawberries and a glass of orange juice.  {We never did have a silver platter, however.}  Yesterday Christian and I went over to the Plautzes' to celebrate Mother's Day.  We talked to Eric {Christian's brother on a mission in Georgia} for exactly forty minutes and played Sporcle and ate a delicious dinner.  How did everyone else celebrate Mother's Day?

Happy Mother's Day!

{Alice, Elaine, Kate, Mom, Lara, Sara Joy, and Laura.}

“[The] ability and willingness properly to rear children, the gift to love, and eagerness … to express it in soul development, make motherhood the noblest office or calling in the world. She who can paint a masterpiece or write a book that will influence millions deserves the admiration and the plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose influence will be felt through generations to come, … deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God.”

-President David O. McKay

Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful mother, to my amazing mother-in-law, to my grandmother, and to anyone who has ever mothered me.

A Day Full of Girls

Yesterday I went over to Alice's house.  I had invited myself over because I love to spend time with Alice, and I love to hold her baby.  While I was at it, I invited my mother over to Alice's also, and she brought my other two sisters and Baby Lara.  It was a day full of girls.  I had so much fun.

Before my mom arrived, I played with Kate and talked to Alice about everything.  Alice feels like my therapist sometimes.  It's so easy to talk to her, because almost everything I'm going through, she understands.  When I'm irritated because the man I love occasionally acts like a doofus, check, Alice has been there.   When I felt harassed by Baby Lara's continual pleas for my attention, when I was dating Christian and my grades went down, when I've been frustrated with my mother, Alice could always relate to what I was feeling.  Alice is amazing.  And even with a new baby, her house always feels clean and peaceful.  I want to be Alice when I grow up.

I took a roll of Mother's Day pictures while we had everyone together -- I'll post more of them later.  The two at the top of this post I took just to finish off my previous roll, but they ended up being my favorites.  Alice said that if you allow Kate to pose for a picture {as opposed to taking a candid}, then she always does the #1 with her finger.  I don't get it, but I think it's hilariously cute.